I want to learn. I want to be a dispute resolution lawyer. I want a workplace where there is no political hierarchy. I want a workspace which is conducive.
For that, I have to:
1. Go to a dispute resolution firm.
2. Look for a good Master, not a good Firm.
3. Look for an office where the interior is effective.
4. Perhaps go to a smaller size firm.
For the longest time, I wanted to go to Big Law. I came from nothing. My results are not outstanding. My university is not outstanding. I have no connections, my family are not well-connected. Thus, to me, it felt like the only way to really change my life is to get into Big Law. Have some nice, fancy name on the resume to show for.
But after a week of interviews, I realized that there are some things I should not sacrifice.
Let me rewind a bit.
For my first interview, I was asked to take the Myers-Briggs 16 Personalities test. The last time I took the test, I was an ISFJ-A. But that was more than a year ago. This time, I was blatantly honest to myself and answered accordingly.
I am an INFJ-A. An Advocate.
Previous times I took the test , the results were not that accurate. The only time I found it really describing me was when I was 18 - back then I was being true to myself, unapologetic, and know what I want. Throughout the years in uni, I began to doubt myself, my capability, and my own character and personality. I felt like I needed to change everything - how I talk, how I think, what I say. Just to fit in the crowd I was in. Just to be "cool" and not "weird". I didn't want to be different. The personality tests thus changed from INTJ-A (18 years old) to ISTJ-A then to ISFJ-A. I was forcing myself to change. Forcing myself to be what everyone is like. When I answered the personality test questions, I forced myself to answer like how a "normal" person would answer. The results always left me feeling like something was amiss.
But this time - the day after my 23rd birthday - 1st July 2020, I finally, after so long, got a personality test result which describes me to the very last dot. A personality that I agree with; a personality that I know is honestly me. And that is INFJ-A.
I read the descriptions, and felt much more assured of myself. But at the same time, it made me ask, "If this is me, what am I doing seeking for prestige from Big Law? What am I doing, sacrificing my passion and true interest, trying to force myself into another role when I already knew for the longest time what I actually want to do.
After all the three interviews (and Parlimen Digital over the weekend), I finally had some time to myself. I realized I haven't really slowed down, take out my journal, and just write down what I want/need to do. So I did just that. I reflected. I wrote. I was honest to myself. To be really honest, it didn't only take a few hours. It took me two to three days to clearly write down what I really want, and how to achieve them.
So now, I have a game plan, curated to fit how I am as a person, and what I really wish to be in the future.
My true goal is to help those in need - the marginalized, the wronged, the less privileged. That is why I wish to do dispute resolution. I also want to use this time while I am still young to learn as much as I can from wholesome people and environment. The reasons why I wanted Big Law were:
1. The name.
2. The potential exposure and network.
3. The money.
I was chasing for prestige and money.
There is nothing wrong with going to Big Law - what was wrong was my intention. The reasons were all self-centered and individualistic reasons. It all revolved around ME ME ME! And that is not the person I am or I want to be. Who I am is - I just want to learn. I want to truly understand the legal industry. I want to REALLY LEARN. Will I be able to learn much if I go to Big Law? Yes, definitely, if I seek out work actively. But was that my intention of going to Big Law? No, not really.
I reached out to a wonderful human rights lady lawyer on LinkedIn, and asked her for advice - and what she told me solidify the result of my reflection. She advised me to look for smaller firms - small to medium sized firms, because these firms are where I would be able to really learn the most.
My friends found their Masters. And so far, are very happy with their decisions. They are learning and around kind people who are happy to teach. Even my boyfriend is happy at his workplace. He too is learning so much and doing so many practical works, and at the same time having great relationships with his colleagues. All of them are in small firms (albeit one being a prestigious firm with big names from the industry). I am very happy for them, I wish the same on myself.
Writing these down makes things clearer in my head. I just need to focus, stop worrying needlessly, and manifest the positivity.
I will do great.
