entering the new decade

As I sat at my desk, trying to study for Criminal Procedure II midterm examination on Tuesday (31.01.2019. I know.), I innocently clicked into Blogger again to just check out how the younger me viewed the world.

and oh god.

i am embarrassed.

The time when I was most active on blogging was the time I was inspired by Malaysian & Singaporean bloggers - Xiaxue, Fourfeetnine, Cheeserland, and the like. Being inspired by them, and reading their contents almost everyday, made young me a writer current me cringe at.

I used to sound so... uncultured, overexcited, and very much like a 'lala'... And the way my thoughts are processed makes me wonder if I even had any actual thoughts at all lol. The only plus side I can see was that I used to sound very excited about life, which makes it slightly heartwarming to read, once you get past the lack of intelligence.

Don't get me wrong - the bloggers I used to follow are highly intelligent people; Young me, however, failed to take in that aspect of their work, but only adopted the speech, and as a result, turned into a bimbotic lala.

never mind that, now.

It is 30.01.2019 today. 2 more sleeps to a whole new decade. Am I ready for it? Maybe not. But I am ready for a change, no matter how irrelevant it is (change of year is pretty irrelevant because time is a human const...... you get it)

This new decade will be a new chapter for me. 2020 is when I will graduate from law school and move to a new city after 5 years being in Melaka. It is when I will enter into the workforce. It is when I will finally be an actual adult. And the years after that will just be even more of an adult journey.

As I sat here at my desk, typing down all these, I made a resolution.

I want to be able to look back and see how I was before; and so, I will document my life more via blog, actual journal, vlogs, pictures etc. The past 2 years I realized I took lesser pictures and put down my thoughts a lot lesser, mainly because I convinced myself that my life is not picture-ready, not YouTube-worthy, not Instagram material; and that my thoughts are not matured enough, may not be correct, might receive negative feedback etc.

I now realize that none of that matters. The point and idea of documenting and journaling is to record the moments now, the ideas and thoughts I have now, and whatever that I can look back at and say, 'oh I used to be/think/look that way!'

I may look back and see how far I've gone, or I may look back and just appreciate that I had that experience in my lifetime. It does not need to be 'educational' or to make my future self feel better. It just needs to record exactly how it was for me at a certain point of my life.

That's my resolution. Wish me luck in reminding myself of it everyday!

clearing my head a bit

Background Story
Last trimester, the time after my legal internship and throughout my preparation for a mooting competition (I was in LAWASIA 2019: Malaysia National Rounds), I was so so lost.

My whole life I knew I wanted to study law. Watching Elle Woods in Legally Blonde studying in law school just gave me the inspiration to do law as well! It was not just that, though. After reading and researching other fields of study, I came to the conclusion that law would suit me well. So off I came to MMU after SPM, did my Foundation in Law and now in my second trimester of Final Year. By next June, I will be a law graduate!

So it was the fact that I will be graduating that scare me. I knew I wanted to study law- yes. But I never thought about what I actually wanted to do, professionally. I have been secretly wanting to be a CEO of a company, but I had no idea what company it would be or what I am supposed to do if I was to be a CEO!

Why not a lawyer?
Being a lawyer never really appealed to me much since young- I've always felt that lawyers are quite pretentious and give themselves airs unnecessarily. Granted, it is probably what is required for people in the profession, but it is not an industry which I want to immerse myself in. Nothing wrong with being so, though. Absolutely nothing wrong with how most legal people act, just not my type of scene, yknow?

And during my internship, I realized that legal work is still a lot of paperwork and desk jobs, with a more rigid work culture, traditionally. Not my thing yet again. Not to mention the long, but no overtime pay work hours, and the imbalance between the time and effort invested and the incentive received.

To top it all, although I'm not sure if it is the people I have been around, or if it is how it is - legal people tend to be more narcissistic, self-absorbed, hypocritical, and overall power/fame/prestige-hungry. It is not only the lawyers that I have met (not many), but also law students (many) - god, especially law students! There is perhaps nothing wrong with being how they are, so long as they are happy and it fits the career they are working towards. However, this is not the environment I would like to be in, and not the scene that I would like to witness on daily basis. This factor is actually the biggest factor that repels me from being a lawyer.

I love reading law. The subject matter just excites and stimulates me! But the people - they tire me.

I know I am not supposed to let how others are like stop me from living in what I love, but reality is, I don't think I can cope with it everyday. Perhaps I would change my mind as I grow, but not now.

So what now?

After months and months of uncertainties and (I hate using this word, but I guess it is what it is) depression, I have finally found what I want to do, and finally have a plan to get it going.

I want to launch my own business and fund my further education with that!

I don't want to jinx it by putting it all out there, but this is just enough to keep it in the public and to hold myself accountable.

I'm honestly quite excited for the future!