December Update

Since my last post, I was accepted into Zaid Ibrahim & Co as a pupil (or Trainee Associate, as we are called in the firm), under the practice area of my choice - Dispute Resolution. Maybe I will write on my thoughts or a review of my pupillage experience with the firm in due course, however, today, I would just like to pour out my feelings.

I have been feeling quite down and sad these past weeks. Work is slowly dwindling down as the year closes, so I now have this free time which is very foreign to me having been working almost non-stop for the past few months. Perhaps this sudden free time just made me not sure what to do with my life and myself.

Sometimes when I confide in people I am close to, not necessarily on how lonely I'm feeling, the response I get is quite... underwhelming. The responses come off as perfunctory - the replies are purely for the sake of replying. Everyone's busy, I get it. But it still does not shake off the sadness.

I have a game plan. I do not plan to stay sad for long. I want to create more, to plan more, and to be better.

I will be healthier, fitter, and happier :)

What I want to do

It took me 3 interviews with different kinds of law firms to realize what I really want to do and where I want to do it.

I want to learn. I want to be a dispute resolution lawyer. I want a workplace where there is no political hierarchy. I want a workspace which is conducive.

For that, I have to:

1. Go to a dispute resolution firm.

2. Look for a good Master, not a good Firm.

3. Look for an office where the interior is effective.

4. Perhaps go to a smaller size firm.

For the longest time, I wanted to go to Big Law. I came from nothing. My results are not outstanding. My university is not outstanding. I have no connections, my family are not well-connected. Thus, to me, it felt like the only way to really change my life is to get into Big Law. Have some nice, fancy name on the resume to show for.

But after a week of interviews, I realized that there are some things I should not sacrifice.

Let me rewind a bit.

For my first interview, I was asked to take the Myers-Briggs 16 Personalities test. The last time I took the test, I was an ISFJ-A. But that was more than a year ago. This time, I was blatantly honest to myself and answered accordingly.

I am an INFJ-A. An Advocate.

Previous times I took the test , the results were not that accurate. The only time I found it really describing me was when I was 18 - back then I was being true to myself, unapologetic, and know what I want. Throughout the years in uni, I began to doubt myself, my capability, and my own character and personality. I felt like I needed to change everything - how I talk, how I think, what I say. Just to fit in the crowd I was in. Just to be "cool" and not "weird". I didn't want to be different. The personality tests thus changed from INTJ-A (18 years old) to ISTJ-A then to ISFJ-A. I was forcing myself to change. Forcing myself to be what everyone is like. When I answered the personality test questions, I forced myself to answer like how a "normal" person would answer. The results always left me feeling like something was amiss.

But this time - the day after my 23rd birthday - 1st July 2020, I finally, after so long, got a personality test result which describes me to the very last dot. A personality that I agree with; a personality that I know is honestly me. And that is INFJ-A.

I read the descriptions, and felt much more assured of myself. But at the same time, it made me ask, "If this is me, what am I doing seeking for prestige from Big Law? What am I doing, sacrificing my passion and true interest, trying to force myself into another role when I already knew for the longest time what I actually want to do.

After all the three interviews (and Parlimen Digital over the weekend), I finally had some time to myself. I realized I haven't really slowed down, take out my journal, and just write down what I want/need to do. So I did just that. I reflected. I wrote. I was honest to myself. To be really honest, it didn't only take a few hours. It took me two to three days to clearly write down what I really want, and how to achieve them.

So now, I have a game plan, curated to fit how I am as a person, and what I really wish to be in the future.

My true goal is to help those in need - the marginalized, the wronged, the less privileged. That is why I wish to do dispute resolution. I also want to use this time while I am still young to learn as much as I can from wholesome people and environment. The reasons why I wanted Big Law were:

1. The name.

2. The potential exposure and network.

3. The money.

I was chasing for prestige and money.

There is nothing wrong with going to Big Law - what was wrong was my intention. The reasons were all self-centered and individualistic reasons. It all revolved around ME ME ME! And that is not the person I am or I want to be. Who I am is - I just want to learn. I want to truly understand the legal industry. I want to REALLY LEARN. Will I be able to learn much if I go to Big Law? Yes, definitely, if I seek out work actively. But was that my intention of going to Big Law? No, not really.

I reached out to a wonderful human rights lady lawyer on LinkedIn, and asked her for advice - and what she told me solidify the result of my reflection. She advised me to look for smaller firms - small to medium sized firms, because these firms are where I would be able to really learn the most.

My friends found their Masters. And so far, are very happy with their decisions. They are learning and around kind people who are happy to teach. Even my boyfriend is happy at his workplace. He too is learning so much and doing so many practical works, and at the same time having great relationships with his colleagues. All of them are in small firms (albeit one being a prestigious firm with big names from the industry). I am very happy for them, I wish the same on myself.

Writing these down makes things clearer in my head. I just need to focus, stop worrying needlessly, and manifest the positivity. 

I will do great.

Leaving my business

I have been in the mask business for close to 2 years now, and it is now time for me to leave.

There are various reasons for my departure, of which I will detail in future post, but for now, I would just like to jot down what I am feeling about this decision.

Scared. I am terrified of the idea of no longer having any stable income. The nature of a business, especially an entrepreneurial one, may oftentimes be quite risky and unstable, but the past two years, this business has become a stable source of income for me. I had the luxury to spend without too much of a worry. On hindsight, that was very callous and immature of me, not saving up more.

I have slight regrets but not too much. I never had much money growing up, so when this business presented me with the opportunity to live my life with less financial worries, I took it. I have bought things that I would like. Things that have brought utility and joy to me, and also things which brought me lessons - most important of which is the lesson to not simply buy things which do not bring any value. I spent, I gained, I learned. It's alright. At least I now know.

But it still does not remove the fear of no longer not being able to rely on a steady stream of cash flow. As I sit here, thinking about the future, my heart rate increased, my breathing is short and fast, my mind is racing with negative thoughts and worries.

I shouldn't be worrying about this. I should be thankful of what I have been given and move on to build an even better future. I should not be worried about not having enough money to buy what I want, because that is not an important concern. I will have enough to survive, and I must not be anxious over not being able to cafe hops or attend hi-teas with my friends because that is indeed not necessary.

Priorities, Audrey. Priorities.

I will be fine.

The Poor are Liars

Because of a previous attempt at helping out with some “social development” in a village further from town in Kota Belud, I came in contact with the leaders of the village. Almost a week ago, I reached out to them to ask how they are holding up at this time (Covid-19 health emergency, Movement Control Order etc). They replied me, telling me some of the villagers are facing shortage of drinking water and food essentials. They told me some government agency did went to distribute necessities, but some of them did not receive it, even when they need them.

I offered to help out, and asked them for a complete list of the names of people who are in need. The local church leader was put in charge of liaising with me. He told me there are around 135 people who are adversely affected, but 20 of them are in more hardship than the others – they need help the most.

I thus reached out to KB’s MP. She said her people will look into it but cannot guarantee provisions for all twenty of them. I offered to help fund-raise and was told that I will be updated soon.

I then reached out to my family to see if anyone is willing to, despite the Movement Control Order, purchase some things and send them over. My mom offered to ask around, she wanted to forward my message to her work group. But her superior refused her request to forward. He questioned the verity of the message, and believed that there are already sufficient agencies who are to be responsible for assisting these people.

My dad then called a friend, believing that they would be able to help, given their connections and better off financial standing. I was put in touch with her and forwarded the name list (in picture form) from the church leader to them. The picture was alas too blurry and I now have to wait for a clearer one.

One more day carrying on formalities may well be one more day hungry for those in need, but since I am not around to help, this must then be managed by whoever is willing to do so.

Throughout this whole process, from the day I asked for assistance from the first person even, I was warned that the villagers may be scamming me. I was told that despite how bad it may sound like, some villages have the tendency to take advantage of the kind-hearted – telling fiction of how they are so badly off just to get some money or donation. I was told to be wary and to just let those who knows how to handle these, handle it. And that I may not know the actual situation. I was also told that hey some of the villagers are still selling veggies the other day!

It is disheartening. At this time, many have lost their source of income because of the restriction of movement imposed by the Malaysian government. Many have seen a significant reduction in their income. Some goes hungry – having no food, or not enough food to feed all members of the family. It is depressing, it is hard.

Do I believe that some may be trying to take advantage of those who are willing to help? In normal times, maybe. At this time, not really. What I believe in is that many do not have enough. Some may have enough for a few more days, and none after. Some may have to dig out their life savings just to ensure they and/or their family don’t starve. I would therefore say if it seems like they have enough and if they are trying to win some provisions, then they are not adequately prepared for the current situation and thus do need some help.

Everyone is trying to survive. Some of us are luckier than others. Our salaries or allowances paid for even when we merely sit at home to flatten the curve. Others may not be as fortunate. Businesses are forced to shut down and many business-owners – owning multiple properties, driving nice cars, living in comfortable house, having substantial investments and savings – are screaming that they will not have any income anymore these few weeks/months. These are the self-employed with brick-and-mortar businesses are fearing for their finances.

Now imagine those self-employed, whose job is to rubber tap at their inherited rubber “estate”. Those whose source of income was from their newly started “tourist spot” (a river with several huts at its banks, charging RM2 per entry). Those whose source of income was from being undocumented employees of businesses which pay below minimum wage.

Granted, oftentimes, people living in the countryside usually have their own land to farm, so one may ask – are they really that badly off? Are they really going hungry? Does their situation warrant assistance from the public? Why don’t they just plant their own food?

Then comes another question – there are so many others who may be worse off than those who are currently said to be in need, what then gives the latter the privilege over the former, even when the former is still unidentified?

Never ending questions to ask and things to identify. By the time one is approved of being worthy of receiving assistance, how many days have the person went hungry or anxious about being hungry? Do we really want to keep our people anxious about their own survival daily? Does it not then create a society where one is scared of not having enough anymore and so at the next opportunity, try to obtain enough through dishonesty?

Theoretically, people are egocentric. We put our own interest first. But somehow, it seems like the public perception of village-dwellers and the lower-incomes’ is that they like to take advantage of others for their self-interest. That they will use any given chances to scam.

Perhaps it’s time to ask ourselves why.

I have a personal theory. It is that when we think these people are in need more than we are, we thus see the fact that they may be needy as possible motives for them to lie. We see those as “reasonable suspicion” for them to take advantage of others. Perhaps subconsciously, we gave them this label of dishonesty. 

Let’s retrace our steps now. We see them as liars – why? Because they have a “Motive” to be dishonest – why? Are we not being distrustful towards village-people or the lower income just because they are after all village-people or the lower income?

I understand the possibility of being scammed. That is always a likely possibility when one wish to act out of kindness. There may be many who may tend to cheat. The consequences of falling for these lies may be, among others, ineffective allocation of resources, breeding dishonest thus ineffective people, and may ultimately affect the development of the society. We say that for the betterment of the society, we will not want to encourage scammers.

I agree that we take certain steps to ensure there is no dishonesty, but these steps must be efficient, they must be those that can be fast enough so as to avoid unnecessary delay.

What I do not agree is the ingrained idea that the poor are liars, are stupid (see Aleeya Zailan’s comments below.), and are advantage-taking bums. Ingrained idea here refers to the automatic thought that first jumps into mind. The first response where we say "Are you sure this is true? These kind of people tend to lie."

We are all advantage-taking assholes anyways, what makes you think your kind of advantage-taking is better than others?

I’m not sure anymore what I am rambling on here. But thus is my thoughts today.

The Bread

Money has always been a problem growing up. We always have just enough - no more, sometimes less, but we make do. I remember all the times my parents (or mostly my mom) were stressed out and being anxious about not having enough at the end of the month. I remember my mom telling me, on several occasions, that she only had a two-digits amount left in her bank account. She was worried that we would not have enough groceries to last us through the month. She was worried she could not meet our insurance commitments. She was worried over the fact that she, at that point a forty-year old, did not have her own savings for rainy days.

We tried to save as much as we could.

We saved on electricity - never leaving any electrics on when not in use, switching off and unplugging appliances, switching to the most energy efficient bulbs my dad could find, not installing any air conditioning, etc. Our electricity bills were usually below RM80 a month, if my memory serves me correctly. That's a pretty good feat - being a family of 6 living in one house.

We saved on water - using somewhat of a "grey water system", except that it's manual. We fill up buckets and buckets of water used to wash vegetables, dishes, rice etc. And used those water for farming and gardening purposes.

Following the above, we planted our own fruits and vegetables. I vividly remember planting red peppers and chili padi's. Those were my kind of plants because they were easy haha. We had pakchoy, sayur manis, spring onions, ginger, pucuk raja, this thing called 丝瓜, pumpkin, winter melon, to name a few of vegetables. My dad loves planting fruits, we had fresh fruits all year round because of that. We had a lot of red flesh dragon fruits, mangoes, durians, papayas, bananas, pineapples, lychee, rambutan, jackfruit, cempedak, tarap, passion fruit, soursop and even had an avocado tree which sadly never bears any fruit. That may or may not be an exhaustive list of the fruits we had.

We had chickens too. They gave us good eggs (kampung eggs), and served as delicious soup when slaughtered haha. I didn't work on them much - I had always been tad scared of farm animals.

We DIY-ed things whenever we can. Dad would fix everything around the house and refuse to get someone to do it. To save for the construction of our current house, he did all the work himself with two hired helps, and on school breaks, with my brothers. Their unskilled hands are evidenced by the awkwardness of the interior of our house now. Slanted tiled, uneven stairs. Safety hazards maybe, but those are the hard work and savviness of my family. I helped out by painting my own room myself haha.

We almost never eat out, saving those for special occasions only. And the times we did, we would mostly go to KFC because where I'm from, KFC is cheaper for a family of six as compared to a conventional restaurant. We cook at home everyday, rotating between me and my brothers, and occasionally my mom or dad.

We shop second-hand, especially my dad and I. My mom always joked about how he, save for herself and the family car, only has second-hand possessions. I on the other hand love thrift shopping. I used to be extremely passionate about fashion and style, and thrifting was the only way I could embrace that interest.

And my parents drove old cars. Until 2017, my mom was still driving around a Toyota Unser they bought in 1998, and my dad drove an rusty old Mazda which really looked terrible, subsequently "upgrading" to a 1980 Datsun 120Y. I learned how to drive with the Datsun.

My parents wanted us to travel and see more, so they did what they could afford - bringing us to travel locally and telling us amazing facts and stories about each of the places we visited. We learned a lot through the experience - on history, geography, culture mainly. It was truly wonderful and I credit my love for history, geography and traveling to learn about the culture to how my parents brought us around.

Looking back, and typing these down, I have no complains at all about how things were (and still are haha). We learned to be savvy, and could probably survive living alone with no assistance from anyone. We always had just enough. Sometimes we don't, but most of the time we do. And sometimes, we even have more and got to get some nicer things in life! Things may sound quite bad, and life may sound hard, but I assure you, it was not. Things were okay. It was really enough.

I used to be quite embarrassed about our living situation, about how frugal my parents are, about how we are not well off. It wasn't nice. I was superficial. But I would not say I have any regrets feeling what I felt, because knowing that I had those feelings before made me appreciate everything so much more. And made me appreciate my parents even more.

At this point in life, I have had a taste of how it's like to earn my own money. And I finally realized why my parents were always so stressed and worried about money. I understand now why my mom was so anxious over the fact that she did not have rainy days funds.

Around this time is also when I realized that merely saving and being frugal will never change anything. It will get you by, definitely, but that is all you get. You stay where you are, you run in circles your whole life. Capitalism is as such - the rich gets richer, the poor gets poorer, those in the middle either stays forever in the middle, or becomes poorer. A handful advances to the higher tier. And there has not been any true socialist system for us to properly draw any conclusions.

I am determined to change the life of my family and myself around. I don't want my parents to be laughed at for never traveled much internationally (yes, it was apparently always brought up in big family gatherings). I don't want them to be ridiculed for not knowing things because they could not afford to even know them. Money may not be the only solution, but it is and can be a big turnaround for them. Thus, bread I will make.

________________________________________________________________________

Entering university and somehow being around well-to-do people, I listen to all their complaints about how they are not as well-off as some others. 

I listen to them calling themselves middle-class even when they or their family members travel to various countries several times a year ("oh we just "budget travel"! Oh no, not hostels because they're uncomfortable. We stay in AirBnb because they're "cheap"! And oh we could only afford the flights because we have the mile points anyways!"). 

I listen to them denying their privilege by dismissing their or their parents' luxury cars as company cars even when the parents own (or are among the owners of) the company. 

I listen to them calling me rich because I'm making money through a business which I juggle alongside my studies, and themselves poor or broke for only (appearing to be) getting the allowance given by their parents. 

I listen to them calling themselves poor but still wanting to eat at expensive places, then being unhappy when we eat at some cheaper, rundown place. 

I listen to them coming up with many reasons just to deny their privilege.

Somehow, appearing "middle-class" or "poor" is a trend now. Hardship is romanticized and seems to paint one in a better light- a light which screams 'oh I got here because of me and me alone. It's all MY hard work. It's ME. It has NOTHING to do with all the privileges I have. Absolutely nothing. ALL MY OWN HARD WORK." Everyone wants to be seen poorer than they actually are but would they also want to BE what they claim to be?

(Thinking about my well-to-do friends back home, they don't do this at all. They are just very frank about everything and never even brought up any excuse to justify their privileged lifestyle. Maybe it's a city people thing lol. Good grades and outstanding co-curricular's are irrelevant now - being from "a humble background" and "struggling to get where you are" is the new requirement.)

Mind, I cherish all the friends I've made, all the people I've met regardless of their background. I just thoroughly dislike the act where these people even TRY to deny their privilege by giving reasons why they should be considered poorer than they are. Every time someone does it, it just feels like a damn slap to the faces of true-blue M40/B40 who actually went through the life of not getting what they need, needless to say what they want, who had to work ten times harder just to catch up, who had to work their asses off just to be able to afford an insurance!

Nothing wrong with spending your money or your parents' money. Nothing at all. What's wrong is denying the privilege. What's even worse is verbally trying to make yourself seem more "down-to-earth" than you are when your lifestyle suggests a damn strong otherwise. Any statements at all claiming that you are not as privileged are flat out lies. Posing as those from lower social class just to get things your way is stealing opportunities away from people of those class, those who need the opportunities more than you do, those who need the opportunities to SURVIVE WITH DIGNITY. As opposed to wanting the chance to make themselves feel better about their character or merely to add on to their long list of achievements.

*************************

This log has turned so drastically haha, but this is what is on my mind right now.

An update in the midst of Covid-19

After the Korean trip was cancelled, we actually booked a trip to Thailand within 2 days of the cancellation! At that point, everything was still pretty calm and well-managed here in Malaysia and also in Thailand. I made sure to check with not only the Thai news portals but also with my friend who is currently living in Bangkok!

Everything was alright and despite the exam stress, I was pretty excited about the upcoming plans!

On Monday, 16th March, everything was cancelled once again - this time it was because of the second outbreak in Malaysia. And this time, the outbreak was massive and out of control. As I type, statistics from the Ministry of Health Malaysia stands at 1,030 cases with 3 deaths. Things are very serious.

Was I bummed out this time? Not exactly - prior to Monday, daily news was showing the rapidly increasing cases in Malaysia, and on Saturday I was already contacting our Airbnb hosts and Agoda to see if a refund was possible. No announcement from the government yet at that point so we just told each other that we will wait. At this point, over that weekend, relatives and friends were advising us to cancel our trip (I must record here that while the intentions were clear, the conveyance of message - not so. But this is for another day).

We came up to KL on Monday morning itself due to certain social obligation and to run some errands; and that night, the government announced a Restriction of Movement Order. We thus decided to stay put here.

We are well-stocked up for the 2 weeks of staying-at-home, and I have been waking up mid-noon everyday, eat lunch, shop on taobao, dinner, more taobao, and finally going to sleep sometime around 3AM - well, at least for the first four days we've been here. Oh, we've also been cleaning the house these four days :)

A day ago, I got myself a part-time job which I can do in the comfort of my bed - it's new to me, but I'm getting a hang of it and at least there's something to do in the midst of the RMO!

I also have some plans in mind, but these days I've learned to not talk of my plans before doing anything about them - so I shan't even write of them here! Just fingers crossed that they will materialize!

Also been looking at how other countries are handling this virus, and I'm very impressed at how the countries which one least expects to do well are managing the pandemic very admirably. Thailand, China, Cuba, Vietnam - all doing pretty well and better than say, USA, Italy, Malaysia. A post for another day too.

This is thus my update written on 20th March 2020, 10:39PM.

Bye Bye, Seoul Trip

Just cancelled my flights and hotels to Seoul today amidst the sudden CoViD-19 outbreak in South Korea, and I never thought that cancelling this trip would make me so... sad...

I just wanted to travel the world, but money has always been a big issue.

So I worked hard and I saved up - I invest and I really did hustle. And finally, I had the resources to travel! I could even be somewhat loose with the expenditure in Seoul and spend without too much of a worry!

But little did I know, S.Korea had a sudden virus outbreak, making it the "most-infected" country outside of China. According to news reports, 80% of the 833 cases are in Daegu and its neighbouring region, I contemplated for a while since Daegu is quite far from Seoul, but realized that 833 is too big of a sum to just ignore and go.

So I cancelled everything. And now I'm feeling so down about it.

I just wanted a holiday (and to experience the Seoul culture!) before I graduate and work. To experience it while I am still young and somewhat carefree - but guess this is not what the universe planned for me.

Cancelling this trip made me realize how little "young time" I have left, and feel sad for people like me who can't travel in their early 20's because of money so we are left with no choice but to travel when we are older. We ultimately will be able to travel, but it just will not be the same.

Next March, I would probably be chambering and the year after, I would either be working or doing graduate studies. It will probably be a long while till I can go to Seoul in its early Spring.

But oh well, such is life. This just made me even more resolved to work harder, smarter and wiser, and to appreciate the time I have. And also, to take good care of my health.

Wishing that everyone affected by the virus will be able to go through it and feel better soon.

x,
audrey

102 days to Graduation!

The Mentality of "Being Successful"

These days, a lot of things don't matter to me anymore — being "successful", being "rich", getting attention, "making it in life" — these all seem so frivolous now when I realized being all that is really a matter of perception , and most of the time, it's other's perception.

I have come to realize that appearing successful, rich, kind, overachieving etc does not mean you are truly that. Because it is all too subjective and people making such observation only can make such remark based on what We choose to show them. It may not really be the case. We may not be as great as people think, and we will know it.

That is possibly why so many of us have the "imposter syndrome" — because we are obsessed with what others think of us. We want people to see us in a certain light, hence we portray ourselves in that certain way. But when people observed the portrayal and compliment us on that, we feel guilty and fraudulent.

We get anxious and worried that what if they found out we are not actually so, and that we don't live up to their expectations.

When we, however, take away our concern of what others think and would think, and we will realize that the "syndrome" is gone too.

Yes it is good to realize our achievements and the good in ourselves, but we must not just blindly gas ourselves up — we need to realize the root of our issue and resolve it from there. Never romanticize unhealthy mental behaviours. Having imposter syndrome is definitely not the healthiest thing to have and we have to uproot that.

Yes, we need to recognize our greatness, but it is important too to recognize our weakness — recognize it honestly — don't romanticize it, don't make excuses for it, don't justify it.

And perhaps then we will be happy and see more meaning in life.

i need to make it

I am not from a well-off family. I think the exact position we are in is probably lower-middle income, in a city-dweller's perspective. We live in a small town, so our socioeconomic status didn't really bother me that much.

But coming out from that small town, entering uni in a "city" and meeting upper-middle class people, And seeing the rapidly-growing wealth of the Chinese families from my hometown (where I'm from, Chinese is the minority), I can't help but feel like I (my family) is poor in comparison. Because of the lack of financial resources, we cannot afford to participate in the society that we would like to belong to.

Both my parents work hard, but coming from their background and perhaps being who they are as people, whatever wealth they managed to amass is not sufficient to allow us to be like the majority (90%) of my friends.

They travel at least once a year. They study abroad, or at least they CAN study abroad if they want to (Abroad = western countries, eg UK, USA, Australia etc). They can launch their own big-budget business. They can invest to make their money grow.

I can't.

I could, for a while. I had an online business, selling Malaysian-Chinese MLM skincare products. The structure is MLM, just that the culture is different from conventional MLM (Amway, Elken and the like). But I stopped actively running it since November, and I haven't had any good source of income since.

Even when I was seeing money coming in, the nett profit isn't as much as anyone thought it would be.

That is not why I stopped, though. That will be reserved for another day.

But back to original topic here: I do not have the privilege my friends have.

To travel, their parents will plan it for them. Or they just need to ask. Even when they used their own money to pay for the trips, the money ultimately came from the parents. No hate, just stating facts as they are.

I could only afford to travel when I started earning. For my Bangkok 3D3N trip, the money came from my part-time job as a young children tutor and from basically starving myself. I embarked on the online business journey shortly after that so I can fund other travels.

So far, I managed to make it to Taiwan, Singapore, and some local places.

I also managed to buy flight tickets to Korea and Japan. How I am going to fund those now, I have no idea. 

I don't show it to anyone, and I didn't even complain. I knew I had to hustle. So I did my best balancing work (business), studies, a social life, and a relationship.

and I will keep on doing all that I can, keep on working hard, so that I can live the life I have always wanted. The life where I don't have to worry about spending certain extra cash on things that would add value to my life, or things that would take away small inconveniences. I just don't want to worry about money anymore. Money in the sense as what I have mentioned here. To be comfortable and able to just be able to afford self-enrichment in life. I don't want a fancy car, a fancy house, or even a branded bag. I just want to be able to have the opportunities to grow myself even better.

Sometimes I do think that if I came from a wealthier family, perhaps I would have gotten an even better education, and I would have been able to maximize my capabilities. 

I did not have that opportunity, but I don't want to just sit back and surrender to life. I will do whatever I can. I will remain optimistic, but also be realistic. And I will grind and hustle until I make it.

oh, 2019

Not sure when this psychology started, but to be as inoffensive as possible, liked by all who knows me, and just “perfect” in manners,

I downplay my achievements, milestones, and effort;

I avoid using so much of the word ‘I’, ‘Me’, ‘My’, ‘Mine’;

I try to be as small as I can and stay in the background;

I try to be unconditionally understanding and accepting towards others, let not their behaviours affect me.

and for these reasons, I constantly feel that I am inferior, that I am replaceable, that I will not be truly loved & accepted, that I am incapable & incompetent, and that I will never find sincerity in this lifetime. Dramatic when it is put into words, but it is how it is, haha.

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But today, while eating dimsum breakfast with my wonderful boyfriend of two years, venting about this frustration, I realized that I need to get over myself, stop feeling sorry for myself, and to start taking actions to overcome this mountain of a problem.

My first attempt at it is to reflect on my 2019, drawing lessons and acknowledging all the small victories throughout the year. Mind, I have no intention of showing off or offending any-... nevermind.

January – Hit a 10k income from my online business (it has been a path downhill since hahaha but still worth remembering in 2019!) This actually was what gave me the confidence to put my plan of a zero-cost library into action.

February – Selected for 2019 LAWASIA National Rounds; posted my first Youtube video; and survived Final Examination.

March – Did my legal attachment with CSiLK & Partners, Melaka; my first taste of the legal career, and realized that perhaps my interest lies elsewhere.

April – Attended my first concert! Researched, planned, and did more background work for the library.

May – Started an online book drive.

June – Started a rural library in a village of my hometown Kota Belud with zero start-up cost. Thank you to all those who helped in dispersing the message, those who donated, those who helped with transportation and arrangement, and those who helped directly and indirectly by your support and prayers. This may not have fully succeeded, but it still is a great start!

July – Came back to MMU and had an intense month of midterms and trainings (for LAWASIA)

August – Participated in the 2019 LAWASIA Moot Competition (National round), ranked 4th in general rounds, qualified for semi-finals, ranked 5th in semi-finals, and had overall pretty decent personal scores.

September & October –  Juggling studies, work, social life, and mental health. May or may not be successful.

November – visited the village, and realized that my library project is too idealistic, out of touch, and frankly unhelpful.

December – had my last Christmas party in MMU with CSS, my family away from home for the first three years here; celebrated Christmas day alone; and had a great New Year’s Eve gathering with my friends.

Typing all these down, at this very moment, is not as helpful as I thought it would be lol. 

But it is, for me, the first chip at the mountain.

A good start!

(suddenly have the strong urge to delete this out of fear of making anyone uncomfortable ARGHHH)