Not sure when this psychology started, but to be as inoffensive as possible, liked by all who knows me, and just “perfect” in manners,
I downplay my achievements, milestones, and effort;
I avoid using so much of the word ‘I’, ‘Me’, ‘My’, ‘Mine’;
I try to be as small as I can and stay in the background;
I try to be unconditionally understanding and accepting towards others, let not their behaviours affect me.
and for these reasons, I constantly feel that I am inferior, that I am replaceable, that I will not be truly loved & accepted, that I am incapable & incompetent, and that I will never find sincerity in this lifetime. Dramatic when it is put into words, but it is how it is, haha.
.
.
.
But today, while eating dimsum breakfast with my wonderful boyfriend of two years, venting about this frustration, I realized that I need to get over myself, stop feeling sorry for myself, and to start taking actions to overcome this mountain of a problem.
My first attempt at it is to reflect on my 2019, drawing lessons and acknowledging all the small victories throughout the year. Mind, I have no intention of showing off or offending any-... nevermind.
January – Hit a 10k income from my online business (it has been a path downhill since hahaha but still worth remembering in 2019!) This actually was what gave me the confidence to put my plan of a zero-cost library into action.
February – Selected for 2019 LAWASIA National Rounds; posted my first Youtube video; and survived Final Examination.
March – Did my legal attachment with CSiLK & Partners, Melaka; my first taste of the legal career, and realized that perhaps my interest lies elsewhere.
April – Attended my first concert! Researched, planned, and did more background work for the library.
May – Started an online book drive.
June – Started a rural library in a village of my hometown Kota Belud with zero start-up cost. Thank you to all those who helped in dispersing the message, those who donated, those who helped with transportation and arrangement, and those who helped directly and indirectly by your support and prayers. This may not have fully succeeded, but it still is a great start!
July – Came back to MMU and had an intense month of midterms and trainings (for LAWASIA)
August – Participated in the 2019 LAWASIA Moot Competition (National round), ranked 4th in general rounds, qualified for semi-finals, ranked 5th in semi-finals, and had overall pretty decent personal scores.
September & October – Juggling studies, work, social life, and mental health. May or may not be successful.
November – visited the village, and realized that my library project is too idealistic, out of touch, and frankly unhelpful.
December – had my last Christmas party in MMU with CSS, my family away from home for the first three years here; celebrated Christmas day alone; and had a great New Year’s Eve gathering with my friends.
Typing all these down, at this very moment, is not as helpful as I thought it would be lol.
But it is, for me, the first chip at the mountain.
A good start!
(suddenly have the strong urge to delete this out of fear of making anyone uncomfortable ARGHHH)
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