Since my last post, I have been taking anti-depressants and feeling a lot better. The depressive symptoms come and go, panic attacks less frequent. Anxiety's still pretty bad but at least I'm not having such frequent panic attacks as I used to, so that's great. I still don't want to believe that I have depression but I am actually able to wake up, eat, and actually function - so I think I did have depression. Do I still have it now? Maybe, but it's hard to tell since I'm still on medication.
It's so expensive though - doctor visits are at least RM200 each. Perhaps would need to go to general hospital.
During my second visit, doctor suggested that I go to speech therapy to resolve the deeply-rooted trauma. I don't want to. My whole adulthood I've been just trying to heal and in a way, avoid dealing with it. I force myself to block everything out. Things were great blocked out.
Makes me kind of dread seeing my doctor again. I don't want to even hear "trauma" being mentioned. I just want my medication so that I won't have panic attacks and that I won't be so depressed.
Even writing this is making me almost going into full panic mode.
Why can't trauma just be left alone. Locked in a corner. Never to be disturbed.
