Leaving my business

I have been in the mask business for close to 2 years now, and it is now time for me to leave.

There are various reasons for my departure, of which I will detail in future post, but for now, I would just like to jot down what I am feeling about this decision.

Scared. I am terrified of the idea of no longer having any stable income. The nature of a business, especially an entrepreneurial one, may oftentimes be quite risky and unstable, but the past two years, this business has become a stable source of income for me. I had the luxury to spend without too much of a worry. On hindsight, that was very callous and immature of me, not saving up more.

I have slight regrets but not too much. I never had much money growing up, so when this business presented me with the opportunity to live my life with less financial worries, I took it. I have bought things that I would like. Things that have brought utility and joy to me, and also things which brought me lessons - most important of which is the lesson to not simply buy things which do not bring any value. I spent, I gained, I learned. It's alright. At least I now know.

But it still does not remove the fear of no longer not being able to rely on a steady stream of cash flow. As I sit here, thinking about the future, my heart rate increased, my breathing is short and fast, my mind is racing with negative thoughts and worries.

I shouldn't be worrying about this. I should be thankful of what I have been given and move on to build an even better future. I should not be worried about not having enough money to buy what I want, because that is not an important concern. I will have enough to survive, and I must not be anxious over not being able to cafe hops or attend hi-teas with my friends because that is indeed not necessary.

Priorities, Audrey. Priorities.

I will be fine.

The Mentality of "Being Successful"

These days, a lot of things don't matter to me anymore — being "successful", being "rich", getting attention, "making it in life" — these all seem so frivolous now when I realized being all that is really a matter of perception , and most of the time, it's other's perception.

I have come to realize that appearing successful, rich, kind, overachieving etc does not mean you are truly that. Because it is all too subjective and people making such observation only can make such remark based on what We choose to show them. It may not really be the case. We may not be as great as people think, and we will know it.

That is possibly why so many of us have the "imposter syndrome" — because we are obsessed with what others think of us. We want people to see us in a certain light, hence we portray ourselves in that certain way. But when people observed the portrayal and compliment us on that, we feel guilty and fraudulent.

We get anxious and worried that what if they found out we are not actually so, and that we don't live up to their expectations.

When we, however, take away our concern of what others think and would think, and we will realize that the "syndrome" is gone too.

Yes it is good to realize our achievements and the good in ourselves, but we must not just blindly gas ourselves up — we need to realize the root of our issue and resolve it from there. Never romanticize unhealthy mental behaviours. Having imposter syndrome is definitely not the healthiest thing to have and we have to uproot that.

Yes, we need to recognize our greatness, but it is important too to recognize our weakness — recognize it honestly — don't romanticize it, don't make excuses for it, don't justify it.

And perhaps then we will be happy and see more meaning in life.