mid-life crisis?

Another life update after a long hiatus. I think this is what this blog is now - a place I come to when I need to release what is on my mind.

I am at a place where I am (sort of) society's definition of "successful" at this age (29 this year). I am doing well, not too bad, of course always with room to improve, but doing a lot of things people at this age dream of doing. 

Am I happier? Hmm, less depressed and anxious for sure, but somehow I have so much existential crisis now. A different kind of anxiety now - I worry a lot about mortality, about what to do next, about how far can I go now, about if I am making the right life decision in relationships. I worry about whether I spend enough time with family and friends, and get so down with grief from the previous years. I don't think I have properly healed. As I chase career success, I seem to have lost the excitement for life.

Now I travel business class, stay in nice hotels, spend money on "investment pieces" I had on my wishlist for the longest time. I now have the financial means to do and get what I want. Of course, nothing too big - no nice big house yet, but I am doing pretty well for myself.

Yet, with things getting easier, I seem to get more uneasy. Feeling like the ball is about to drop. The feeling of doom deep in my stomach that I can't digest. I want my spark back. I want to look forward to something. Is this why rich kids indulge so much - chasing some thrill and challenges just to experience the meaning of life?

Is this how people feel at mid-life? I feel like I am having a mid-life crisis. Health, mortality, spiritual, family - these are suddenly the biggest things I think about now. I don't know when it shifted like this. I'm not even too interested in traveling anymore. I just... am not interested in anything... I miss the time when I spend hours looking for the perfect blog layout, curating the perfect photo, making the perfect tumblr post, learning to do makeup in front of the mirror, researching about the things I want and planning out how to get them (I used to do this soooo much). I miss daydreaming and thinking about the future when I "made it". Now I feel like I am where I dreamt about - maybe a little sooner than I expected - yet I don't think I am feeling what I was "supposed" to feel.

I worry about different things now. I worry a lot about what if I do not have the money I have anymore, and not being able to grow my income more. On top of the things I mentioned above. So much anxiety while not being so anxious anymore - I don't know how to explain it.

I want to do my LLM next year, but even that does not give me the thrill that I was expecting. I want to do exciting things, but I keep getting so scared. 

I see a lot of news online about people dying, about accidents, and so on. And I get so so scared. Maybe unreasonably so. I really want to live my best life, with Poppy and Eway, and have my family around. Maybe have little children. I want to fully experience life, and I am terrified of not being able to do it. I truly hope my fear is baseless and that I will just live forever, people I love will live forever.

Or maybe I just miss home a lot, after living in Vienna for almost the whole year now. Maybe I just miss having time to myself. I really don't know...

I think I just miss being young, having nothing much, and working towards a "purpose"...

hello again

Hello again, dear blogger. Has it already been 4 years since my last post?

A high level update - I am doing well now; much better than before, in fact. Beyond my imagination and expectations.

I have been just living life, experiencing new things, meeting new people and going to new places. Discovering myself, if you will - trying to figure out who I want to be and what I want out of this beautiful, messy, crazy, simple life.

My younger self would be so happy to know that I am currently writing this on my new iPad Pro (latest model at the time of this post), with its Magic Keyboard (yes, it is from Apple itself, not a third party)! Yes, young self, you can now afford these things, brand new and not pre-loved [although you still like to buy some things pre-loved because it is just more eco-friendly and sustainable, at least in your head])! You even have the latest iPhone and AirPods Pro, AND Apple Watch, also all bought new! Your Apple Pencil is pre-loved off Carousell, but it just makes sense to buy used, no? To think that you used to think new Apple products are not something that you could afford in a long time - and now you have them, without even feeling the pinch. All the endless browsing, researching and longing for these Apple products can finally come to a rest. I still don’t have a MacBook however, but I’m happy to report that I can now afford it too :)

Anyway, I digress.

Since the last I wrote, I have left litigation and gone in-house to be a legal counsel (younger self - are you shocked? You really did believe with your whole heart you would be a litigator forever! But you will not be disappointed with this trajectory, not at all!) - and not just in any company, I am now a legal counsel for a highly ranked crypto company. How surprising right! This has never been in my plans and younger me would have never guessed that I would be in the crypto industry, especially doing what I do (this will be a story for another day)!

This crypto company treats me well. It is hectic, it is busy and it is scary at times (mostly because it is a relatively newly regulated industry, so we’re always just “testing waters”), but it is also rewarding, and personally, much less “toxic”. The lessons and skills I learned in practice transferred to this role fairly well too, and for that, I am thankful. We will talk more about my job next time!

I have also travelled to countries I never thought I would visit! May be fun to write down my thoughts and life there…

I also have a new boyfriend! I must disclaim that things were (he was) actually objectively toxic and bad in the beginning, but things are not only much better but actually good now! He is truly (at least i hope) a changed man - really apparent that he wants to be a better man, making changes and doing things old him would not have done. Reserve your judgment, readers and old self, for I believe that people deserve chances to be better and break the cycle, especially when one comes from a background that sets one up to be that way. Also another story for another time.

I also got a dog, my baby, my dearest - Poppy! She really is the sweetest thing, and I love her very much. Yes, I’m not as “free” as I would be without her, but I really would make the same choice over and over again. She has shown me that I am capable of unconditional love and care (something I struggled believing before), and she simply brings so much joy and meaning to my life. I will share more pictures next time.

I have more to write but I am getting sleepy now, so I shall sign off. I know I can just save this and publish when it is done, but I try to be more candid and “real” with my blogging here, as if I were writing in pen and paper. 

life update

Since my last post, I have been taking anti-depressants and feeling a lot better. The depressive symptoms come and go, panic attacks less frequent. Anxiety's still pretty bad but at least I'm not having such frequent panic attacks as I used to, so that's great. I still don't want to believe that I have depression but I am actually able to wake up, eat, and actually function - so I think I did have depression. Do I still have it now? Maybe, but it's hard to tell since I'm still on medication.

It's so expensive though - doctor visits are at least RM200 each. Perhaps would need to go to general hospital.

During my second visit, doctor suggested that I go to speech therapy to resolve the deeply-rooted trauma. I don't want to. My whole adulthood I've been just trying to heal and in a way, avoid dealing with it. I force myself to block everything out. Things were great blocked out.

Makes me kind of dread seeing my doctor again. I don't want to even hear "trauma" being mentioned. I just want my medication so that I won't have panic attacks and that I won't be so depressed.

Even writing this is making me almost going into full panic mode.

Why can't trauma just be left alone. Locked in a corner. Never to be disturbed. 

finally getting help

After my worst panic attack yesterday, I finally decided to seek medical help. Went to general practitioner and was told I may have anxiety disorder and depression. Referred to specialist. And today, I went to see a psychiatrist. So far diagnosed with panic disorder with generalized anxiety disorder and underlying depression. 

Was prescribed anti-depressants and sleeping pills to help regulate my sleep pattern.

I'm glad I did this. Not happy to find out I very likely have depression because I'm still stuck in the "I can control my thoughts and emotions!" mindset, and that depression just means I don't have high EQ. But think I just need to come to terms with it and accept treatment.

Really hoping this would help me :) Haven't felt so much hope for a long time haha. Hoping I won't put myself up for too much disappointment. 

Also very thankful for all the people I've seen these 2 days - the general practitioner, the psychiatrist, and my dear friend veron for driving me and accompanying me to the doctors'. Really gave me a sense of normalcy to be diagnosed but come out of doctor's office and have normal conversations and do normal things. Huge sense of normalcy. Think it really helped in preventing me from blowing my diagnosis out of proportion. 

Utterly thankful for everything. I have been doing a lot of things to help with my issues since the longest time, and today I was told by the psychiatrist that those things are likely what made me still so intact given my past experiences. She mentioned that people with my experiences would usually be in much worse position than I am. Because of that, I think I should one day share all the things I do that helped! It's nice to be reassured that I was doing well and already the best that I can with actual fruitful outcome. Perhaps not a 100% result, but still a very good one, she said. I'm really, really glad.

 it is when you break down and can't breathe that you realise you have no one to call.

four months ago, I would call the love of my life, my bestest friend. but now I cant. we both need to move on.

I would call my parents, but I do not want them to worry. They've sacrificed so much and they're at the age where they shouldn't be worrying about me.

I would call my best friend, but I do not want to occupy her time. She has her own things to do, her own matters to deal with, I don't want to unload my shit on her.

I can call any of my friends, really. But to be honest, I don't even know what to say. I don't even know anymore why I'm like this. There seems to be no trigger. What's different is simply that I am no longer distracted. But a life being just distracted is not a life I want to live.

Maybe it's finally time to go see an professional on this.

oh and one thing to note from today - one that scared me - is that I haven't had any suicidal thoughts, or small voices in my head that said - "maybe it'll be better if you just die" - for a long time. Until today. I was in 1U trying to look for the post office when I suddenly lost control and cried, and the thought just popped into my head with no warning - "it's so hard living like this. constantly not knowing when the sudden urge to cry will pop up. no control over myself. no control over my heart rate. no control over the mind. It is just so tiring. Maybe things will just be easier if I die. Maybe I won't be in such distress if I'm dead."

It has been so long since I last had thought like this. I don't want to go back into the cycle. I need to do something about this.

anxiety?

I haven’t felt so anxious in some time. But today has been just… sudden urges to cry (but I can’t cry), increased heart rate, shortness of breath… and I can’t place my finger on why.

and I don’t want people around me to know. I don’t want to be seen as volatile, crazy, with mental issues etc. I just want to be fun and bubbly.