it is when you break down and can't breathe that you realise you have no one to call.
four months ago, I would call the love of my life, my bestest friend. but now I cant. we both need to move on.
I would call my parents, but I do not want them to worry. They've sacrificed so much and they're at the age where they shouldn't be worrying about me.
I would call my best friend, but I do not want to occupy her time. She has her own things to do, her own matters to deal with, I don't want to unload my shit on her.
I can call any of my friends, really. But to be honest, I don't even know what to say. I don't even know anymore why I'm like this. There seems to be no trigger. What's different is simply that I am no longer distracted. But a life being just distracted is not a life I want to live.
Maybe it's finally time to go see an professional on this.
oh and one thing to note from today - one that scared me - is that I haven't had any suicidal thoughts, or small voices in my head that said - "maybe it'll be better if you just die" - for a long time. Until today. I was in 1U trying to look for the post office when I suddenly lost control and cried, and the thought just popped into my head with no warning - "it's so hard living like this. constantly not knowing when the sudden urge to cry will pop up. no control over myself. no control over my heart rate. no control over the mind. It is just so tiring. Maybe things will just be easier if I die. Maybe I won't be in such distress if I'm dead."
It has been so long since I last had thought like this. I don't want to go back into the cycle. I need to do something about this.
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