The Bread

Money has always been a problem growing up. We always have just enough - no more, sometimes less, but we make do. I remember all the times my parents (or mostly my mom) were stressed out and being anxious about not having enough at the end of the month. I remember my mom telling me, on several occasions, that she only had a two-digits amount left in her bank account. She was worried that we would not have enough groceries to last us through the month. She was worried she could not meet our insurance commitments. She was worried over the fact that she, at that point a forty-year old, did not have her own savings for rainy days.

We tried to save as much as we could.

We saved on electricity - never leaving any electrics on when not in use, switching off and unplugging appliances, switching to the most energy efficient bulbs my dad could find, not installing any air conditioning, etc. Our electricity bills were usually below RM80 a month, if my memory serves me correctly. That's a pretty good feat - being a family of 6 living in one house.

We saved on water - using somewhat of a "grey water system", except that it's manual. We fill up buckets and buckets of water used to wash vegetables, dishes, rice etc. And used those water for farming and gardening purposes.

Following the above, we planted our own fruits and vegetables. I vividly remember planting red peppers and chili padi's. Those were my kind of plants because they were easy haha. We had pakchoy, sayur manis, spring onions, ginger, pucuk raja, this thing called 丝瓜, pumpkin, winter melon, to name a few of vegetables. My dad loves planting fruits, we had fresh fruits all year round because of that. We had a lot of red flesh dragon fruits, mangoes, durians, papayas, bananas, pineapples, lychee, rambutan, jackfruit, cempedak, tarap, passion fruit, soursop and even had an avocado tree which sadly never bears any fruit. That may or may not be an exhaustive list of the fruits we had.

We had chickens too. They gave us good eggs (kampung eggs), and served as delicious soup when slaughtered haha. I didn't work on them much - I had always been tad scared of farm animals.

We DIY-ed things whenever we can. Dad would fix everything around the house and refuse to get someone to do it. To save for the construction of our current house, he did all the work himself with two hired helps, and on school breaks, with my brothers. Their unskilled hands are evidenced by the awkwardness of the interior of our house now. Slanted tiled, uneven stairs. Safety hazards maybe, but those are the hard work and savviness of my family. I helped out by painting my own room myself haha.

We almost never eat out, saving those for special occasions only. And the times we did, we would mostly go to KFC because where I'm from, KFC is cheaper for a family of six as compared to a conventional restaurant. We cook at home everyday, rotating between me and my brothers, and occasionally my mom or dad.

We shop second-hand, especially my dad and I. My mom always joked about how he, save for herself and the family car, only has second-hand possessions. I on the other hand love thrift shopping. I used to be extremely passionate about fashion and style, and thrifting was the only way I could embrace that interest.

And my parents drove old cars. Until 2017, my mom was still driving around a Toyota Unser they bought in 1998, and my dad drove an rusty old Mazda which really looked terrible, subsequently "upgrading" to a 1980 Datsun 120Y. I learned how to drive with the Datsun.

My parents wanted us to travel and see more, so they did what they could afford - bringing us to travel locally and telling us amazing facts and stories about each of the places we visited. We learned a lot through the experience - on history, geography, culture mainly. It was truly wonderful and I credit my love for history, geography and traveling to learn about the culture to how my parents brought us around.

Looking back, and typing these down, I have no complains at all about how things were (and still are haha). We learned to be savvy, and could probably survive living alone with no assistance from anyone. We always had just enough. Sometimes we don't, but most of the time we do. And sometimes, we even have more and got to get some nicer things in life! Things may sound quite bad, and life may sound hard, but I assure you, it was not. Things were okay. It was really enough.

I used to be quite embarrassed about our living situation, about how frugal my parents are, about how we are not well off. It wasn't nice. I was superficial. But I would not say I have any regrets feeling what I felt, because knowing that I had those feelings before made me appreciate everything so much more. And made me appreciate my parents even more.

At this point in life, I have had a taste of how it's like to earn my own money. And I finally realized why my parents were always so stressed and worried about money. I understand now why my mom was so anxious over the fact that she did not have rainy days funds.

Around this time is also when I realized that merely saving and being frugal will never change anything. It will get you by, definitely, but that is all you get. You stay where you are, you run in circles your whole life. Capitalism is as such - the rich gets richer, the poor gets poorer, those in the middle either stays forever in the middle, or becomes poorer. A handful advances to the higher tier. And there has not been any true socialist system for us to properly draw any conclusions.

I am determined to change the life of my family and myself around. I don't want my parents to be laughed at for never traveled much internationally (yes, it was apparently always brought up in big family gatherings). I don't want them to be ridiculed for not knowing things because they could not afford to even know them. Money may not be the only solution, but it is and can be a big turnaround for them. Thus, bread I will make.

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Entering university and somehow being around well-to-do people, I listen to all their complaints about how they are not as well-off as some others. 

I listen to them calling themselves middle-class even when they or their family members travel to various countries several times a year ("oh we just "budget travel"! Oh no, not hostels because they're uncomfortable. We stay in AirBnb because they're "cheap"! And oh we could only afford the flights because we have the mile points anyways!"). 

I listen to them denying their privilege by dismissing their or their parents' luxury cars as company cars even when the parents own (or are among the owners of) the company. 

I listen to them calling me rich because I'm making money through a business which I juggle alongside my studies, and themselves poor or broke for only (appearing to be) getting the allowance given by their parents. 

I listen to them calling themselves poor but still wanting to eat at expensive places, then being unhappy when we eat at some cheaper, rundown place. 

I listen to them coming up with many reasons just to deny their privilege.

Somehow, appearing "middle-class" or "poor" is a trend now. Hardship is romanticized and seems to paint one in a better light- a light which screams 'oh I got here because of me and me alone. It's all MY hard work. It's ME. It has NOTHING to do with all the privileges I have. Absolutely nothing. ALL MY OWN HARD WORK." Everyone wants to be seen poorer than they actually are but would they also want to BE what they claim to be?

(Thinking about my well-to-do friends back home, they don't do this at all. They are just very frank about everything and never even brought up any excuse to justify their privileged lifestyle. Maybe it's a city people thing lol. Good grades and outstanding co-curricular's are irrelevant now - being from "a humble background" and "struggling to get where you are" is the new requirement.)

Mind, I cherish all the friends I've made, all the people I've met regardless of their background. I just thoroughly dislike the act where these people even TRY to deny their privilege by giving reasons why they should be considered poorer than they are. Every time someone does it, it just feels like a damn slap to the faces of true-blue M40/B40 who actually went through the life of not getting what they need, needless to say what they want, who had to work ten times harder just to catch up, who had to work their asses off just to be able to afford an insurance!

Nothing wrong with spending your money or your parents' money. Nothing at all. What's wrong is denying the privilege. What's even worse is verbally trying to make yourself seem more "down-to-earth" than you are when your lifestyle suggests a damn strong otherwise. Any statements at all claiming that you are not as privileged are flat out lies. Posing as those from lower social class just to get things your way is stealing opportunities away from people of those class, those who need the opportunities more than you do, those who need the opportunities to SURVIVE WITH DIGNITY. As opposed to wanting the chance to make themselves feel better about their character or merely to add on to their long list of achievements.

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This log has turned so drastically haha, but this is what is on my mind right now.