life update

Since my last post, I have been taking anti-depressants and feeling a lot better. The depressive symptoms come and go, panic attacks less frequent. Anxiety's still pretty bad but at least I'm not having such frequent panic attacks as I used to, so that's great. I still don't want to believe that I have depression but I am actually able to wake up, eat, and actually function - so I think I did have depression. Do I still have it now? Maybe, but it's hard to tell since I'm still on medication.

It's so expensive though - doctor visits are at least RM200 each. Perhaps would need to go to general hospital.

During my second visit, doctor suggested that I go to speech therapy to resolve the deeply-rooted trauma. I don't want to. My whole adulthood I've been just trying to heal and in a way, avoid dealing with it. I force myself to block everything out. Things were great blocked out.

Makes me kind of dread seeing my doctor again. I don't want to even hear "trauma" being mentioned. I just want my medication so that I won't have panic attacks and that I won't be so depressed.

Even writing this is making me almost going into full panic mode.

Why can't trauma just be left alone. Locked in a corner. Never to be disturbed. 

finally getting help

After my worst panic attack yesterday, I finally decided to seek medical help. Went to general practitioner and was told I may have anxiety disorder and depression. Referred to specialist. And today, I went to see a psychiatrist. So far diagnosed with panic disorder with generalized anxiety disorder and underlying depression. 

Was prescribed anti-depressants and sleeping pills to help regulate my sleep pattern.

I'm glad I did this. Not happy to find out I very likely have depression because I'm still stuck in the "I can control my thoughts and emotions!" mindset, and that depression just means I don't have high EQ. But think I just need to come to terms with it and accept treatment.

Really hoping this would help me :) Haven't felt so much hope for a long time haha. Hoping I won't put myself up for too much disappointment. 

Also very thankful for all the people I've seen these 2 days - the general practitioner, the psychiatrist, and my dear friend veron for driving me and accompanying me to the doctors'. Really gave me a sense of normalcy to be diagnosed but come out of doctor's office and have normal conversations and do normal things. Huge sense of normalcy. Think it really helped in preventing me from blowing my diagnosis out of proportion. 

Utterly thankful for everything. I have been doing a lot of things to help with my issues since the longest time, and today I was told by the psychiatrist that those things are likely what made me still so intact given my past experiences. She mentioned that people with my experiences would usually be in much worse position than I am. Because of that, I think I should one day share all the things I do that helped! It's nice to be reassured that I was doing well and already the best that I can with actual fruitful outcome. Perhaps not a 100% result, but still a very good one, she said. I'm really, really glad.

 it is when you break down and can't breathe that you realise you have no one to call.

four months ago, I would call the love of my life, my bestest friend. but now I cant. we both need to move on.

I would call my parents, but I do not want them to worry. They've sacrificed so much and they're at the age where they shouldn't be worrying about me.

I would call my best friend, but I do not want to occupy her time. She has her own things to do, her own matters to deal with, I don't want to unload my shit on her.

I can call any of my friends, really. But to be honest, I don't even know what to say. I don't even know anymore why I'm like this. There seems to be no trigger. What's different is simply that I am no longer distracted. But a life being just distracted is not a life I want to live.

Maybe it's finally time to go see an professional on this.

oh and one thing to note from today - one that scared me - is that I haven't had any suicidal thoughts, or small voices in my head that said - "maybe it'll be better if you just die" - for a long time. Until today. I was in 1U trying to look for the post office when I suddenly lost control and cried, and the thought just popped into my head with no warning - "it's so hard living like this. constantly not knowing when the sudden urge to cry will pop up. no control over myself. no control over my heart rate. no control over the mind. It is just so tiring. Maybe things will just be easier if I die. Maybe I won't be in such distress if I'm dead."

It has been so long since I last had thought like this. I don't want to go back into the cycle. I need to do something about this.

anxiety?

I haven’t felt so anxious in some time. But today has been just… sudden urges to cry (but I can’t cry), increased heart rate, shortness of breath… and I can’t place my finger on why.

and I don’t want people around me to know. I don’t want to be seen as volatile, crazy, with mental issues etc. I just want to be fun and bubbly. 

I refuse to believe that this is depression

I tried to have a structure to my life. I tried to be up early and to workout. But somehow, my body refused to, and my mind is just so… tired.

I think it’s the period coming, instead of depression. It just felt so much like depression. Can’t pull myself out of bed, the strong urge to isolate myself, can’t do anything productive. 

I don’t know what’s wrong. Just hope that it will be okay soon.

Weird thing is, my Pattern warned me about this haha. And today, one of the worst days, I got this reminder:

December Update

Since my last post, I was accepted into Zaid Ibrahim & Co as a pupil (or Trainee Associate, as we are called in the firm), under the practice area of my choice - Dispute Resolution. Maybe I will write on my thoughts or a review of my pupillage experience with the firm in due course, however, today, I would just like to pour out my feelings.

I have been feeling quite down and sad these past weeks. Work is slowly dwindling down as the year closes, so I now have this free time which is very foreign to me having been working almost non-stop for the past few months. Perhaps this sudden free time just made me not sure what to do with my life and myself.

Sometimes when I confide in people I am close to, not necessarily on how lonely I'm feeling, the response I get is quite... underwhelming. The responses come off as perfunctory - the replies are purely for the sake of replying. Everyone's busy, I get it. But it still does not shake off the sadness.

I have a game plan. I do not plan to stay sad for long. I want to create more, to plan more, and to be better.

I will be healthier, fitter, and happier :)